My brain is in some sort of disarray.
What's that, you say? You think it's a common occurrence with me?
Eh, you're probably right :).
Mentally exhausted...it's been a common feeling of mine lately.
I have been thinking about writing...about blogging...about getting my thoughts "out" on "paper" or "a page" lately...and haven't really got around to it. Writing is typically pretty "therapeutic" for me. But lately, honestly, I've not really felt like writing. I am not sure why. I guess maybe because the thoughts I've been having don't make much sense even to me....so why would I expect them to make sense out in the open?
However...I just thought I'd give it a whirl tonight. Jeremy is out with a friend for dinner, and I'm sitting on the couch solo armed with a bowl of popcorn and my laptop. I was hoping to watch some mindless television, but our DVR isn't working for some reason. I am SOOO not technologically savvy, so I need to wait for Jeremy to get home to figure out how I can watch "my shows" that are on there ;). So...I decided to try blogging a bit. Why not?
A big theme in my life lately has been humility. It seems that just when I start to be confident...or even just comfortable...something happens to make that probably false confidence crumble down around me. I am plagued by self-doubt. It is definitely one of my biggest weaknesses. I know that about myself...and I know that "knowing" yourself and your faults is one of the first "steps" to improving upon things...but I am not really sure where to take it from there. I mean...I probably am too hard on myself as a general rule. I mean....humility is good, right? But you can probably have too much of a "good" thing...when that "humility" begins to morph into self-deprecation.
So...anyway....
I feel like I am in some sort of "limbo" right now...some sort of stagnant waiting period in my life....and I am not a big fan. I feel like there needs to be some sort of change. But I am not sure what.
some steps I've taken lately to try to stir things up a bit...
~applied for and got a PRN position as an SLP at a nursing home in Clinton, IL. Orientation is Friday. This will be way out of my comfort zone...my comfort zone is with the little kiddos. But, I truly am excited to try something new. It doesn't hurt that the pay is pretty awesome either ;).
~started changing up my fitness routine...by registering for and attending a 1x/week strength training class with Jeremy. I am by far the weakest person in the class. Definitely out of my comfort zone in a major way.
Honestly....I thought I'd have more illustrations than just those...but I guess I'm not doing as much as I thought I am.
Hm.
All around me, though, things are changing....
Friends are pregnant. People are moving into bigger and better homes. People are getting new, exciting job and career opportunities.
It is so hard not to compare. Not to feel inadequate. Not to feel like I don't measure up.
Truth is...I do like my job. I am generally happy with my life...I just feel unsettled. Like I am meant to do something "more"...I just don't know what that "more" is yet.
9 comments:
You really need to get that book on pathological self criticism.
I prefer reality over humility.
Many friends of mine have larger houses. Mine has much better furniture, better art, I can afford the mortgage , the taxes and five star hotels on vacation. Oh, and my credit cards are paid in full.
I didn't start making real money until my early 30's. It took me longer, yet I'm far past my peers,these days. Yet it's simply a byproduct of doing what I'm really good at and can be passionate about. Oh, keeping it to one marriage really helps things out financially.
Congrats on the new job. Pay raises are fun !
Never compare your life to others, once you get below the surface, what they often have becomes much less interesting both materially and emotionally. It's sort of like the bathroom scale, it never gives you the right number.
Oh, girl...
1) "humility" is a tricky biotch and it doesn't include being mean to your own heart
2) please read my latest post
3) i love you and miss you
Facebook for Lent ? Really ?! May I suggest something different ? Give up being noble or honest for Lent. Pursue something different, in a fun way. Something like Revenge ! As we say in Latin:
Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.
I'm just poking fun.
Oh, on RUNNING FASTER:
1. Having excellent form
2. Interval training
3. Not being injured.
4. Thinking about what you're doing, though not thinking about what you're doing while you are doing it (running).
5. Breathing.(something you learn in yoga)
6. Proper eating
I know, probably need to get that Facebook account--just cannot bring myself to do it.
Romo~
Thanks a million :).
Plus....if you were to get facebook, then I could actually know who you are and what's the fun in that??;)
Okay--I'm sitting waiting for a friend to get out of surgery (it's minor) and saw part of your Facebook message on guilt. Here are some antidotes to guilt:
ANTIDOTE 1 - Reflect on responsibility. Often it may prove it is/was not my responsibility or fault! Blaming oneself for everything negative that happens is a form of ignorance and self-centredness. Obviously, if I am careless and intended to cause problems, then I should take my responsibility and see to it that I will not repeat this regrettable action. Instead, maybe I can do something to make up for it.
ANTIDOTE 2 - Reflect on motivation. An act done with a positive intention, especially without any self-interest is not negative, although other people may be harmed by it. The suffering experience of others is strictly spoken the result of their own actions, and apparently I just happened to be part of the circumstances that could ripen their negative outcome. However, we may have made some mistakes like wrong communication or insufficient attention or so. If this is the case, it should just be a reason to change our habits by improving our communication or mindfulness.
ANTIDOTE 3 - Changing or accepting. If you can change yourself or the situation, change it! If you can't change yourself or the situation for a good reason, accept it! Not acting where we can and could act can lead to frustration and guilt in the long run; just like acting where we actually cannot do anything.
ANTIDOTE 4 - Analyse the use of feeling guilty. For example: Imagine three people coming into a restaurant and ordering the same meal. One of them begins eating first, several minutes later the second begins his meal, and finally the third begins his. After the third person has eaten just a few bites, the first person clutches at his abdomen, crying out in pain; and the second begins to show signs of discomfort.
How does the third person react? Not with guilt, or self-condemnation. Instead, he naturally regrets he has eaten the same food as his two companions, but rather than dwelling on the past he moves rapidly to counter the effects of the poisonous food he has eaten. His remorse is constructive. It is based in the present; it is intelligently concerned with the future effects of his recent actions; and it leads to remedying the damage already done and to caution about repeating such an act.
ANTIDOTE 5 - Forgiving. Making mistakes is an inherent human quality: if you don't make mistakes you are definitely not a normal human being anymore. If we are unable to forgive ourselves, we will never be able to properly forgive others.
ANTIDOTE 6 - Reality check with others. If you can overcome your feelings of guilt and shame somewhat, try to discuss these matters with others and see if your reasons for feeling guilty are really valid.
ANTIDOTE 7 - Emptiness. As ultimate cure for all delusions, realising emptiness will also rid our mind of guilt. Clear your mind with some meditation.
And lastly a quote, somewhat related to the topic of a happy life:" If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you what to do, then YOU DESERVE IT. "
Frank Zappa
Thanks again Romo :).
Hi,
I want you to understand something that I’ve said before.
You are amazing, as you are.
You can effect the world around you, as you are.
Know that the person you see in the mirror is never one person. You are so many things: wife, musician, teacher, student, activist, runner and perhaps some day mother and so much and many more things. Never look at your face and see only one face.
Of course we can enhance ourselves, that is part of life and learning. Yet, if I did not change much from who I am now, it’s a pretty darn good result. The same holds for you. The same holds for most people.
I, again, thank you. Your blog exposed a terrible; awful person to me. It took a long, long time for me to get over that sadness. So many people harmed. Yet, I now seem to be mostly healed from that experience and it took a lot longer than I imagined.
You have an email address if you ever need it. It will only work for you and it will find me anywhere on the planet I happen to be.
If you know yourself, you are whole.
Be seeing you.
Romo....
Thanks. Sorry I didn't say it sooner :). What's that email address again? I've been scouring the old comments and can't find it....
Hope you're well!
R
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