~ Douglas H. Everett
I think a lot about the future...as in tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. It all qualifies as "the future," in one way or another.
Sometimes I need to be reminded to stay here, in this moment.
They are all a "gift," right...these moments? Each day, each tomorrow, each week, each month, each year...
Don't blink, right?
I'm going to be twenty-eight soon. In fifty-eight days. Whoa, I just realized something....it's my "GOLDEN" birthday this year! Twenty-eight years old on October twenty-eighth! Crazy, kinda cool :).
Twenty-eight.
Goodness...
Am I OLD enough to "be twenty-eight"??
Have I accomplished enough to be worthy of twenty-eight years on this earth? Have I done enough to have earned a twenty-nineth?
Can I really fathom the fact that I am now...pushing thirty?
I've never understood why "thirty" is such a scary thought for people...because, well, I guess because I've never been this close to it before!
So...I had my yearly performance review today with my boss, Kory. It went well, however awkward I may have felt. I really hate talking about myself and listening to other people talk about me. Even if it's good things.
Especially if it's good things.
I guess I just don't feel worthy.
Apparently, in the working world, I am a good employee. I can accept that. I do feel adequate. But, my boss even went so far as to call me an outstanding employee. That should make me feel good, right?
Maybe if I felt "outstanding"...
I'm smart enough (I think!) to know that hearing I am doing a good job should make me feel...good. To hear that I am valued by my employer...should be a good feeling.
Instead, though, I just feel...
Actually, I am not even sure HOW I feel.
Sort of lost, maybe? Like I wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be? If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing? If I'm doing enough?
Anyway...that was somewhat of a freaky tangent.
What I meant to do was write about how, in my performance review today, my boss asked me "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
I replied....I tend to answer this question differently every time it is asked of me.
I guess it's because I don't really KNOW....I guess because I dream too much and don't DO enough. Or something like that...
If you would've asked me this in 2005 when I was completing my undergrad degree and was soon to be setting off for grad school...I would've told you "Done with grad school. Married with two kids, maybe working part-time or not at all." Now? Um...it's been 5 years since then. I have my Master of Science degree. CHECK. I'm married. CHECK. Two kids? NONE.... Working part time or not at all? Uh....try working 50+ hours a week.
I love my job. I do. I just think I might be letting it define who I am a little too much.
How do you define a life, anyway? How do you decide if you've "done enough"?
To those that much has been given, much is expected....
But, what, exactly....is the definition of "much"...
My doctor, as I posted previously, commented to me on Wednesday that pregnancy is easier on the "younger" women. hint, hint...
September 22 will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. This was the "milestone" we had said we wanted to reach before starting a family. We've talked about it {starting a family} many times over the past three years.
Basically we don't know what we want.
My husband commented last night, laughing, "I love being a dink" (dual income, no kids...ha!). I agreed, laughing as well.
We do...we love it! We've done a lot together, have a lot of independence...and really enjoy being able to do whatever we want whenever we want to do it.
BUT....
Every now and then...I get this little longing.
For kids? Maybe. I mean...we DO want to be parents....someday. We just both feel as if we aren't ready. Not ready to be as selfless as you need to be as a parent....and, really, not ready to be GOOD parents. Do we have what it takes to raise a little person? Little people?
Last night, Jeremy commented (again) about all of the kids in the world...there's just SO MANY. So many who aren't loved, who don't have parents...etc.
Sure, I want "our" own child...I think.
But what about adoption? Do we start exploring options...now?
I think we could get on board with that...someday...but how long do we wait? We're not getting any younger! ;)
But heck if I know.
I'm too tired for "action" right now....
So, instead....I'll just sit here and dream.
OK...this was kind of a pathetic entry...I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that I haven't been able to "run off steam" as much as I'd like lately :). My leg/knee has been giving me grief the past few weeks (since my 80 miles in 8 days adventure a few weeks back...why I ever thought THAT was a good idea is just lost on me...)
Oh man....
I'm crazy, crazy, crazy....
1 comments:
One of these days we are going to have a discussion on chaos theory. I promise, really and for true.
"Where are you going to be five years from now ?!" This has got to be one of the more foolish questions in life. I have found that standard questions simply are intended to have mediocre, milquetoast minds feel good about themselves. Whenever I'm asked the 'five years' question I reply that I will know in one thousand, eight hundred and twenty four days. Not sooner. And guess what ? They have no idea where they will be either.
It's like when a teenager is asked by a grownup what they will be when they grow up. I'm convinced the grownups are actually looking for ideas for themselves.
What we do need to be is as prepared as possible, with the best support network possible, so that when opportunities present themselves, we can take advantage of them.
That being said, taking advantage of an opportunity is different than being an opportunist. Also be wary of beauty and charisma. Be wary of the person who always says the right thing, or, seems to always tell you what you want to hear. Never ignore that little twinge that tweaks its warnings when words do not reflect actions.
Ultimately, you cannot predict because all the variables can change. The only thing you really need to know is keep moving forward , keep growing, keep asking questions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc
For the above link, if you 'crop' the browser window, you won't have to see the subtitles.
You're fine. Yet, if you feel you should be doing more, meditate on it and see what gurgles from the depths of your mind. It may lead you to new and interesting things and thinking.
I have learned the best way to live life is genuinely. Few people can do this. They are pulled and redirected by how they feel they should appear to others or how they feel they should appear to get what they think they want. It's a miserable existence that only breeds contempt for itself. Yet, these people are out there and they are en masse.
I knew someone once who made a great deal of saying how truth and family were so important to them. The facts were they got a near sexual thrill from lying and seduced the spouse of a dear friend just to see if it was possible. Those who live righteously, simply do without bringing attention to it. Those that talk a good game, rarely do.
Why 80 miles in eight days ? You really don't know why you did it ? You were trying to accelerate a process. It rarely works out. There's always a price to pay when you do it. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not.
You're smarter than you give yourself credit for. Most women are that way. It's unfortunate.
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